I read a piece in an advice column recently in which the reader said, “I have been dating this guy for a few months and I think I’m in love with him. We have met online but we have never met in person.”
What?
I thought, “So then you haven’t been ‘dating’ him; you have an online relationship with him. You have a connection, which is an excellent start, but you have never looked into his real eyes with your real eyes. You have never held hands or fallen asleep together watching Netflix. How can you think that you love him?”
No doubt about it: the dating world has changed dramatically in the past decade and even more radically during the past few years during the COVID lockdown, when many people had to find entirely new, creative ways to find and experience love and romance.
But has true love and romance truly changed? Everyone—young, older, and oldest—is seeking connection. They always have been. Some are seeking friendship and companionship, while others are laser-focused on finding their soulmates or partners for life. And then there is everything in between.
So, how do unattached adolescents and adults find what they are looking for in 2024? Does this differ from the ways connections were made 20, or 10, or even five years ago? Yes and No. In the past, many people went to bars to meet eligible singles like themselves. Or they met them at work, through friends, or through friends of friends.
Now there are dozens of options in addition to the more traditional routes to romance. There are classes that teach you how to flirt, micro-flirt, and attract a mate. You can listen to endless podcasts, read how-to books, or hire a personal dating coach. As for virtual options, there are websites, online groups, and apps for just about everybody. There is more help and advice on dating than ever before.
While it would be impossible to discuss every road to romance and the pros and cons of every app, here are a few stories of those who have searched, found love, or are still searching.*
*These are real stories of real people. Only their first names appear in order to protect their identities.
-
Adam, who was living at home after he graduated from college, was planning on moving into his own apartment. Then COVID hit. He was put on work furlough, and suddenly his job, his income, and his in-person contact with the outside world came to a screeching halt. With so much uncertainty, it didn’t seem like the right time to make a move. Although he and his parents got along well and were respectful of each others’ spaces and lives, it wasn’t exactly what he had in mind. Most of all, he was lonely and wanted to connect with same-age peers with similar interests. He began to test out “the apps” just to find some friends and some fun. He didn’t plan to fall in love, but he did—with one of his first dates. They have been happily together now for two years.
As positive as his experience was, Adam says he would not broadly recommend the dating apps. “A lot of people look and sound great online, but beware: there are a lot of fake profiles. The apps, especially the ones you pay for, are not really designed to help you find a mate. They’re designed to keep you coming back for more.
-
Tyler, a successful entrepreneur who is not yet 30, started dating his fiancée in high school. So, he never had to navigate through the usual world of dating as an adult. “I know my experience is not typical. Most people in my demographic didn’t get into their eventual long-term relationships until their early- to mid- twenties, and many more are still single now.” He adds, “The main thing I hear from peers who are single is that dating apps are simultaneously very hard to use and also the only good option for a lot of people, especially those working remotely.”
Tyler is excited about his upcoming wedding, but notes that wedding planning a very different world now than it was even just a few years ago. Lead times got extended, and many venues and contractors are fully booked out for 18+ months! “So, two-year engagements are increasingly typical now among my friends. And of course, the prices for just about everything in the wedding world have gone up 25–50% in the last few years.” Despite the challenges, Tyler is happy, excited, and optimistic about the future.
Steph, a bright, witty teenager, truly wants a partner to share interests and experiences, like watching movies, playing board games, going to concerts, “and maybe something more would develop.” But they complained that none of their classmates looked like the people they saw on social media, in the apps, in videos, and yes, on porn sites, which are easy to access despite parental controls and restrictions. Their high school classmates were “just kind of blah” and “didn’t seem exciting.”
This points to one of the major drawbacks of online resources. They sometimes lead to unrealistic expectations by featuring perpetually happy people with perfect facial features and bodies, often digitally enhanced. The overwhelming majority of high school students do not look like or act like the people in those videos, nor should they! But then, anyone or anything less exciting and less perfect than what they see online feels like a failure. “I guess I’ll just stay home and watch movies and eat nachos,” Steph laments. .
-
While dating apps seem to be everywhere, online groups have been around for a long time. Karen and David, both in their early 40s at the time, met in an online support group, long before Zoom or video meet-ups were commercially available. It was the “old days”—a group chat accessed with a dial-up modem. “Do people even know what that is anymore?” Karen laughed. She recalls, “I was so relieved to find an online group specifically for young widows and widowers. Grief can feel like you are losing your mind, and it was so comforting to chat with others who were going through something similar.” She continues, “ I wasn’t looking for a spouse or a date, just company—people who had ‘been there.’”
David, who had been widowed for several years, hosted the group. “I wasn’t searching for a romantic partner either. In fact, the group administrators repeatedly emphasized that this wasn’t a dating site. It was a safe place to discuss the emotions of grief.”
The group met once a year in person, so many of the members had known each other for a long time. They met for the first time in New Orleans. Karen was reluctant to go at first, as she had lost her husband relatively recently, but she and David instantly connected. Karen remembers, “Grief did not seem to haunt him. He had figured out a way forward. I found myself walking towards him as our ferry across the Mississippi pulled away from the shore, and I’ve stayed there beside him ever since.” They just celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary.
Even in its infancy, online groups served multiple purposes and have led to life-long friendships and meaningful connections of all kinds. David’s advice? “If you go through a huge loss or some other super painful emotion, find a support group, talk to people, and eventually you will find your way again. And who knows what else you might find!”
-
There are many, many roads that lead to fun, companionship, conversation, friendship, romance, and sometimes even true love. Regardless of how and where you meet up, making positive social connections can have a big effect on your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. It can even lead to a longer life, according to the CDC.2 Although, there is one major caveat: It is now more important than ever to be extremely cautious and protect your personal information in a world in which anybody can stick their nose into your business in so many ways.
Of course, let’s not overlook those who are perfectly content with their lives and are not seeking love or romance. Having a good and fulfilling relationship with oneself is one of the best places to be. Let’s not try to fix something that isn’t broken! But if you are looking for that special someone, perhaps the best advice is to follow your interests, keep an open mind, and seek out social connection (not necessarily romantic). You just may be surprised at what you find. At the very least, you’re likely to meet some interesting people, have some new experiences, and maybe even make some friends—and that’s a pretty good outcome!
References
- Vogels, Emily A. and McClain, Colleen, Key findings about online dating in the U.S.: The Pew Research Center: https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/02/02/key-findings-about-online-dating-in-the-u-s/
- The power of connection: how it can improve our health: https://www.cdc.gov/emotional-wellbeing/features/power-of-connection.htm
The views and opinions expressed here are solely those of the author and should not be attributed to Counslr, Inc., its partners, its employees, or any other mental health professionals Counslr employs. You should review this information and any questions regarding your specific circumstances with a medical professional. The content provided here is for informational and educational purposes only and should not be construed as counseling, therapy, or professional medical advice.
I read a piece in an advice column recently in which the reader said, “I have been dating this guy for a few months and I think I’m in love with him. We have met online but we have never met in person.”
What?
I thought, “So then you haven’t been ‘dating’ him; you have an online relationship with him. You have a connection, which is an excellent start, but you have never looked into his real eyes with your real eyes. You have never held hands or fallen asleep together watching Netflix. How can you think that you love him?”
No doubt about it: the dating world has changed dramatically in the past decade and even more radically during the past few years during the COVID lockdown, when many people had to find entirely new, creative ways to find and experience love and romance.
But has true love and romance truly changed? Everyone—young, older, and oldest—is seeking connection. They always have been. Some are seeking friendship and companionship, while others are laser-focused on finding their soulmates or partners for life. And then there is everything in between.
So, how do unattached adolescents and adults find what they are looking for in 2024? Does this differ from the ways connections were made 20, or 10, or even five years ago? Yes and No. In the past, many people went to bars to meet eligible singles like themselves. Or they met them at work, through friends, or through friends of friends.
Now there are dozens of options in addition to the more traditional routes to romance. There are classes that teach you how to flirt, micro-flirt, and attract a mate. You can listen to endless podcasts, read how-to books, or hire a personal dating coach. As for virtual options, there are websites, online groups, and apps for just about everybody. There is more help and advice on dating than ever before.
While it would be impossible to discuss every road to romance and the pros and cons of every app, here are a few stories of those who have searched, found love, or are still searching.*
*These are real stories of real people. Only their first names appear in order to protect their identities.
-
Adam, who was living at home after he graduated from college, was planning on moving into his own apartment. Then COVID hit. He was put on work furlough, and suddenly his job, his income, and his in-person contact with the outside world came to a screeching halt. With so much uncertainty, it didn’t seem like the right time to make a move. Although he and his parents got along well and were respectful of each others’ spaces and lives, it wasn’t exactly what he had in mind. Most of all, he was lonely and wanted to connect with same-age peers with similar interests. He began to test out “the apps” just to find some friends and some fun. He didn’t plan to fall in love, but he did—with one of his first dates. They have been happily together now for two years.
As positive as his experience was, Adam says he would not broadly recommend the dating apps. “A lot of people look and sound great online, but beware: there are a lot of fake profiles. The apps, especially the ones you pay for, are not really designed to help you find a mate. They’re designed to keep you coming back for more.
-
Tyler, a successful entrepreneur who is not yet 30, started dating his fiancée in high school. So, he never had to navigate through the usual world of dating as an adult. “I know my experience is not typical. Most people in my demographic didn’t get into their eventual long-term relationships until their early- to mid- twenties, and many more are still single now.” He adds, “The main thing I hear from peers who are single is that dating apps are simultaneously very hard to use and also the only good option for a lot of people, especially those working remotely.”
Tyler is excited about his upcoming wedding, but notes that wedding planning a very different world now than it was even just a few years ago. Lead times got extended, and many venues and contractors are fully booked out for 18+ months! “So, two-year engagements are increasingly typical now among my friends. And of course, the prices for just about everything in the wedding world have gone up 25–50% in the last few years.” Despite the challenges, Tyler is happy, excited, and optimistic about the future.
Steph, a bright, witty teenager, truly wants a partner to share interests and experiences, like watching movies, playing board games, going to concerts, “and maybe something more would develop.” But they complained that none of their classmates looked like the people they saw on social media, in the apps, in videos, and yes, on porn sites, which are easy to access despite parental controls and restrictions. Their high school classmates were “just kind of blah” and “didn’t seem exciting.”
This points to one of the major drawbacks of online resources. They sometimes lead to unrealistic expectations by featuring perpetually happy people with perfect facial features and bodies, often digitally enhanced. The overwhelming majority of high school students do not look like or act like the people in those videos, nor should they! But then, anyone or anything less exciting and less perfect than what they see online feels like a failure. “I guess I’ll just stay home and watch movies and eat nachos,” Steph laments. .
-
While dating apps seem to be everywhere, online groups have been around for a long time. Karen and David, both in their early 40s at the time, met in an online support group, long before Zoom or video meet-ups were commercially available. It was the “old days”—a group chat accessed with a dial-up modem. “Do people even know what that is anymore?” Karen laughed. She recalls, “I was so relieved to find an online group specifically for young widows and widowers. Grief can feel like you are losing your mind, and it was so comforting to chat with others who were going through something similar.” She continues, “ I wasn’t looking for a spouse or a date, just company—people who had ‘been there.’”
David, who had been widowed for several years, hosted the group. “I wasn’t searching for a romantic partner either. In fact, the group administrators repeatedly emphasized that this wasn’t a dating site. It was a safe place to discuss the emotions of grief.”
The group met once a year in person, so many of the members had known each other for a long time. They met for the first time in New Orleans. Karen was reluctant to go at first, as she had lost her husband relatively recently, but she and David instantly connected. Karen remembers, “Grief did not seem to haunt him. He had figured out a way forward. I found myself walking towards him as our ferry across the Mississippi pulled away from the shore, and I’ve stayed there beside him ever since.” They just celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary.
Even in its infancy, online groups served multiple purposes and have led to life-long friendships and meaningful connections of all kinds. David’s advice? “If you go through a huge loss or some other super painful emotion, find a support group, talk to people, and eventually you will find your way again. And who knows what else you might find!”
-
There are many, many roads that lead to fun, companionship, conversation, friendship, romance, and sometimes even true love. Regardless of how and where you meet up, making positive social connections can have a big effect on your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. It can even lead to a longer life, according to the CDC.2 Although, there is one major caveat: It is now more important than ever to be extremely cautious and protect your personal information in a world in which anybody can stick their nose into your business in so many ways.
Of course, let’s not overlook those who are perfectly content with their lives and are not seeking love or romance. Having a good and fulfilling relationship with oneself is one of the best places to be. Let’s not try to fix something that isn’t broken! But if you are looking for that special someone, perhaps the best advice is to follow your interests, keep an open mind, and seek out social connection (not necessarily romantic). You just may be surprised at what you find. At the very least, you’re likely to meet some interesting people, have some new experiences, and maybe even make some friends—and that’s a pretty good outcome!
References
- Vogels, Emily A. and McClain, Colleen, Key findings about online dating in the U.S.: The Pew Research Center: https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/02/02/key-findings-about-online-dating-in-the-u-s/
- The power of connection: how it can improve our health: https://www.cdc.gov/emotional-wellbeing/features/power-of-connection.htm
The views and opinions expressed here are solely those of the author and should not be attributed to Counslr, Inc., its partners, its employees, or any other mental health professionals Counslr employs. You should review this information and any questions regarding your specific circumstances with a medical professional. The content provided here is for informational and educational purposes only and should not be construed as counseling, therapy, or professional medical advice.
Modern Love: Same as It Ever Was?
I read a piece in an advice column recently in which the reader said, “I have been dating this guy for a few months and I think I’m in love with him. We have met online but we have never met in person.”
What?
I thought, “So then you haven’t been ‘dating’ him; you have an online relationship with him. You have a connection, which is an excellent start, but you have never looked into his real eyes with your real eyes. You have never held hands or fallen asleep together watching Netflix. How can you think that you love him?”
No doubt about it: the dating world has changed dramatically in the past decade and even more radically during the past few years during the COVID lockdown, when many people had to find entirely new, creative ways to find and experience love and romance.
But has true love and romance truly changed? Everyone—young, older, and oldest—is seeking connection. They always have been. Some are seeking friendship and companionship, while others are laser-focused on finding their soulmates or partners for life. And then there is everything in between.
So, how do unattached adolescents and adults find what they are looking for in 2024? Does this differ from the ways connections were made 20, or 10, or even five years ago? Yes and No. In the past, many people went to bars to meet eligible singles like themselves. Or they met them at work, through friends, or through friends of friends.
Now there are dozens of options in addition to the more traditional routes to romance. There are classes that teach you how to flirt, micro-flirt, and attract a mate. You can listen to endless podcasts, read how-to books, or hire a personal dating coach. As for virtual options, there are websites, online groups, and apps for just about everybody. There is more help and advice on dating than ever before.
While it would be impossible to discuss every road to romance and the pros and cons of every app, here are a few stories of those who have searched, found love, or are still searching.*
*These are real stories of real people. Only their first names appear in order to protect their identities.
-
Adam, who was living at home after he graduated from college, was planning on moving into his own apartment. Then COVID hit. He was put on work furlough, and suddenly his job, his income, and his in-person contact with the outside world came to a screeching halt. With so much uncertainty, it didn’t seem like the right time to make a move. Although he and his parents got along well and were respectful of each others’ spaces and lives, it wasn’t exactly what he had in mind. Most of all, he was lonely and wanted to connect with same-age peers with similar interests. He began to test out “the apps” just to find some friends and some fun. He didn’t plan to fall in love, but he did—with one of his first dates. They have been happily together now for two years.
As positive as his experience was, Adam says he would not broadly recommend the dating apps. “A lot of people look and sound great online, but beware: there are a lot of fake profiles. The apps, especially the ones you pay for, are not really designed to help you find a mate. They’re designed to keep you coming back for more.
-
Tyler, a successful entrepreneur who is not yet 30, started dating his fiancée in high school. So, he never had to navigate through the usual world of dating as an adult. “I know my experience is not typical. Most people in my demographic didn’t get into their eventual long-term relationships until their early- to mid- twenties, and many more are still single now.” He adds, “The main thing I hear from peers who are single is that dating apps are simultaneously very hard to use and also the only good option for a lot of people, especially those working remotely.”
Tyler is excited about his upcoming wedding, but notes that wedding planning a very different world now than it was even just a few years ago. Lead times got extended, and many venues and contractors are fully booked out for 18+ months! “So, two-year engagements are increasingly typical now among my friends. And of course, the prices for just about everything in the wedding world have gone up 25–50% in the last few years.” Despite the challenges, Tyler is happy, excited, and optimistic about the future.
Steph, a bright, witty teenager, truly wants a partner to share interests and experiences, like watching movies, playing board games, going to concerts, “and maybe something more would develop.” But they complained that none of their classmates looked like the people they saw on social media, in the apps, in videos, and yes, on porn sites, which are easy to access despite parental controls and restrictions. Their high school classmates were “just kind of blah” and “didn’t seem exciting.”
This points to one of the major drawbacks of online resources. They sometimes lead to unrealistic expectations by featuring perpetually happy people with perfect facial features and bodies, often digitally enhanced. The overwhelming majority of high school students do not look like or act like the people in those videos, nor should they! But then, anyone or anything less exciting and less perfect than what they see online feels like a failure. “I guess I’ll just stay home and watch movies and eat nachos,” Steph laments. .
-
While dating apps seem to be everywhere, online groups have been around for a long time. Karen and David, both in their early 40s at the time, met in an online support group, long before Zoom or video meet-ups were commercially available. It was the “old days”—a group chat accessed with a dial-up modem. “Do people even know what that is anymore?” Karen laughed. She recalls, “I was so relieved to find an online group specifically for young widows and widowers. Grief can feel like you are losing your mind, and it was so comforting to chat with others who were going through something similar.” She continues, “ I wasn’t looking for a spouse or a date, just company—people who had ‘been there.’”
David, who had been widowed for several years, hosted the group. “I wasn’t searching for a romantic partner either. In fact, the group administrators repeatedly emphasized that this wasn’t a dating site. It was a safe place to discuss the emotions of grief.”
The group met once a year in person, so many of the members had known each other for a long time. They met for the first time in New Orleans. Karen was reluctant to go at first, as she had lost her husband relatively recently, but she and David instantly connected. Karen remembers, “Grief did not seem to haunt him. He had figured out a way forward. I found myself walking towards him as our ferry across the Mississippi pulled away from the shore, and I’ve stayed there beside him ever since.” They just celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary.
Even in its infancy, online groups served multiple purposes and have led to life-long friendships and meaningful connections of all kinds. David’s advice? “If you go through a huge loss or some other super painful emotion, find a support group, talk to people, and eventually you will find your way again. And who knows what else you might find!”
-
There are many, many roads that lead to fun, companionship, conversation, friendship, romance, and sometimes even true love. Regardless of how and where you meet up, making positive social connections can have a big effect on your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. It can even lead to a longer life, according to the CDC.2 Although, there is one major caveat: It is now more important than ever to be extremely cautious and protect your personal information in a world in which anybody can stick their nose into your business in so many ways.
Of course, let’s not overlook those who are perfectly content with their lives and are not seeking love or romance. Having a good and fulfilling relationship with oneself is one of the best places to be. Let’s not try to fix something that isn’t broken! But if you are looking for that special someone, perhaps the best advice is to follow your interests, keep an open mind, and seek out social connection (not necessarily romantic). You just may be surprised at what you find. At the very least, you’re likely to meet some interesting people, have some new experiences, and maybe even make some friends—and that’s a pretty good outcome!
References
- Vogels, Emily A. and McClain, Colleen, Key findings about online dating in the U.S.: The Pew Research Center: https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/02/02/key-findings-about-online-dating-in-the-u-s/
- The power of connection: how it can improve our health: https://www.cdc.gov/emotional-wellbeing/features/power-of-connection.htm
The views and opinions expressed here are solely those of the author and should not be attributed to Counslr, Inc., its partners, its employees, or any other mental health professionals Counslr employs. You should review this information and any questions regarding your specific circumstances with a medical professional. The content provided here is for informational and educational purposes only and should not be construed as counseling, therapy, or professional medical advice.
