With Thanksgiving just around the corner and all those other holidays close behind, let’s face it: family holiday gatherings can be complicated, even under the best of circumstances. Friends and relatives may be coming from all over the country; travel is more stressful than it has ever been, and the unpredictability of the weather can cause major delays or cancellations of family celebrations. Expectations are high and emotions run even higher. While everyone intends to have a joyful, loving, conflict-free gathering, things don’t always turn out that way.

You may encounter family disagreements around big issues—like local, national, and international politics—or small ones, like your choice of clothes or your new tattoos. If you are hosting a family gathering, you may be worrying about everything you need to get done—and about everything you are likely to forget.

While many have intact, supportive families who will unconditionally welcome them home, others may encounter a great deal of friction, which can cause discomfort, stress, and even anger and alienation.

Consider these scenarios: You want to tell your parents that you have decided to major in drama, instead of computer science as they had hoped. Or, you’re tired of playing tennis, but you’re already attending college on a tennis scholarship. Maybe you’re about to introduce your family to your significant other, who may not exactly be who your family had in mind for you. Or perhaps you decided to leave your old job for an amazing new one…two continents away. These conversations are always difficult, never mind with the added pressure of having them at a large gathering. Whatever the situation, you need to be prepared to weather the storm and take care of yourself, irrespective of how others respond to you and to each other.

Here are some helpful tips for getting through the family get-togethers, enjoying time with your friends, or spending meaningful time alone.

• Anticipate what may cause you to feel blue, anxious, angry or uncomfortable. Is it Dad’s slightly offensive jokes, or your aunt who always points out what’s wrong in every situation? Think about and rehearse ways you may react—or ways to not react. You’ll feel better when you feel more prepared and in control.
• Try not to get sucked into the vortex of uncomfortable conversations. No, it’s not your responsibility to keep the peace in your family, but maybe you can smoothly and seamlessly change the subject: “Well I guess we don’t agree…but you know what everybody can agree on? How delicious these sweet potatoes are!” You will be sending a message that this is not the time or place for a major heated debate.
• Offer help to the hosts. See what is needed and take the initiative, especially with respect to the actual meal and everything that it involves. Perhaps the hosts could use help with food preparation or setting the table, and they probably would appreciate help cleaning up.
• Remember inclusivity. If there are young children, disabled guests, or other attendees who need any sort of additional help, pitch in however you can. Engage with them, help with feeding and transitioning from one room to another, get them food and drinks, and be sure to include them in conversation and all the festivities.
• Seek out stories. If there are older people at your holiday table, get them talking about their past. Ask them about the amazing things that have happened during their lifetimes. Listen to their stories about the good old days as well as the hardships they faced. You will learn a lot, and they will be thrilled that you asked!
• Be prepared for sad moments, too. At many holiday tables there will be people missing, including those who died recently or long ago, those who can’t travel, and those who are required to work on holidays. Take a moment to acknowledge and honor them in a way that is meaningful to your family.
• Take some time for yourself. Take a walk, rest, and relax in another room for a few minutes (or hours), or phone a long-distance friend. Whatever you do, find a way to reflect on what is most important to you and the things and people for which you are thankful.

Even if your holiday table does not resemble a Norman Rockwell painting, you can still find joy, meaning, and humor in the chaos. So, here's to the holiday table that doesn't stick to the script, to the moments of laughter, and yes, the occasional eye roll. Cheers!

The views and opinions expressed here are solely those of the author and should not be attributed to Counslr, Inc., its partners, its employees, or any other mental health professionals Counslr employs. You should review this information and any questions regarding your specific circumstances with a medical professional. The content provided here is for informational and educational purposes only and should not be construed as counseling, therapy, or professional medical advice.